"What I am & What I'm Not""

From time to time I like to post an article going over my life's journey, and how it is I got to this point at being a gaming, and adult film journalist. It's sort of a way to keep things in check, while trying to make sense of why it is I do what I do. In that sense it's all a reflection for me. For most of you you'll likely see me as an underdog who kind of appeared out of nowhere, but to me it's been a long hard road getting here (A certain Marilyn Manson song comes to mind). I haven't exactly been a "somebody" all of my life, and until a little over four/five years ago I did not become as well known as I am today. For the longest I have lived in silence, and solitude withdrawn from society, and have been unable to reach out to anyone like you. I kept to myself in my little corner of the world, and used my imagination, and creativity to make the days before me more tolerable. I often times read books, wrote poetry, did art, played video games, watched movies, and listened to music in the confines of a single room in the house I grew up in. I can't remember the last time I had an actual friend in my life, nor do I recall what it's like to have a close friend to hang out with. I've become so accustom to being alone that until now I was not even a person in the sense I could not relate with people on a personal level. I lived in my own little fantasy world which resided in my own imagination. I had genius conversations with myself, and even enjoyed video games by myself. Even with the occasional support of family members I still felt alone in this world.

It wasn't until nearly five years back when my uncle gifted me my first computer for my birthday that the world really opened up to me. At first the social aspect of online was still foreign to me, but I began to search the web for things of interest, and happened to stumble upon some forums where I met my first online friends. Slowly I opened up to like-minded strangers, and began to welcome in the thought that people actually cared about me. Enough so to engage in mutual conversations. This online endeavor gradually led to other similar opportunities. At first I got hooked on the early build of Youtube, and began wasting my days watching other Youtubers' lives unfold before my eyes. This eventually led to more social media outreaches including the debut of my Facebook page, and later my jump to Twitter. All along my journey I met more, and more like-minded, and lonely individuals seeking the same sort of friendly attention I was. For the first time in my life I didn't feel alone. Past all that, and onto today I'm now more known, and appreciated than I ever was thanks to my efforts spent on reaching out into the only world I know, the online world. As a result I've been privileged enough to know you, and earn your trust as faithful return readers. I could never ask for more than the open arms, and welcoming embrace you have afforded me here, and on social media. It keeps me going, even in the face of of my own abysmal darkness.

As far as my jump into journalism goes it was more a leap of faith, and sheer instance of luck that I stumbled across the opportunity. To begin with I was accepted by a Canadian review site (that's now since closed down) that was into doing Twitter micro-reviews, and was tutored on the ways of proper film journalism after joining them. Never in a million years would I have thought I'd catch such a break. I had been a movie buff for years, and to be able to review newly released dvds was more than a dream come true. Not only that, but it was a proper learning experience. A valuable one at that. From 'MovieSet' I took yet another leap of faith, and took my vast gaming knowledge further down the road of journalism that I was now hooked on. I sought any gaming site that would be willing to take me in, and thankfully 'xblaratings.com' had a spot open for a guy like me. Like the previously mentioned film review job this too was a learning experience. Through it I realized that I could branch out, and do my own thing with the blogging tools that the internet could provide. I still helped xblaratings for a while, and even jumped on board with an anime, and gaming site known as, "Real Otaku Gamer". The latter helped me understand anime reviews more, and later on influenced my seeking of anime review material.

Past the more innocent journalism jobs I also got into adult film reviews while seeking out another site to join for the movie reviews I missed. I won't lie, and say I wasn't into that sort of thing, because I was. I've been a fan of adult entertainment for a while, and have watched adult films since I was of legal age to do so. Out of industry interest, the desperation to get back on with a big name film review site, and the need to have something to preoccupy my time with I joined 'Xcritic', and began learning the ways of the adult film, and journalism industry. I learned some valuable things in my time there such as review format, and how to organize my thoughts properly. I also figured out how to reach out for review material which later came in handy when I went full swing with my own gaming, and adult film blogs. I've always been one to be open to new learning experiences, and my time with the various journalistic websites definitely played a huge role in my growing success.

In the past couple of years things have begun to take a turn for the worst, in some respects. While I was churning out the reviews left, and right in my initial few years things began to slow down, and PR business was plagued by many unexpected issues. I did make some enemies, and lost some support along the way, because of my outspoken nature. Regardless of those bumps in the road I still strove to continue doing what I've done no matter what odds were stacked against. I think more than anything it pissed me off when people tried to have a say in what it is I can or cannot do. Regardless of the naysayers I've always risen above, and beyond expectations, and have gone all out with whatever it was I chose to cover. No matter how little I had to review I made what I did so grand in scale people in the industry couldn't help but notice. To this day that is how I work.

Right now as I sit in my office chair before my computer screen rereading what I've typed up to this point I realize I have to pose one final question to myself regarding my ambitions. Where do I go from here? Looking into my own soul I understand that I've always wanted to do great things, see great things, and be the greatest me I possibly can be. With that in mind I find myself at an odd intersection of sorts, a crossroad. I find that I love what I do in the journalism scene, and the people I meet through it, but can't easily convince myself to continue down that road without the right reasons. On the other hand I still want to do great things with my life. I don't want to be limited as my intellectual genius knows no bounds. I know deep down I could do the things I dreamed of, but at the same time I know I'd risk losing all I've built up to. I'd likely lose all of you. As I've said earlier it was a long hard road getting here, and the answer probably won't come anytime soon. So there's no worries there. I've just gotta take things a day at a time until I'm ready to move forward. When that day comes, no matter what decision I make just know you mean the world to me, all of you.

Your Last Samurai,
Brad Carver (OtakuDante)